


Four Sticks

by flyy0ufools



Series: Zoso [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Coming Out, Companion Piece, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Switching, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-30 22:24:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10886136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyy0ufools/pseuds/flyy0ufools
Summary: A look at the events that take place duringWhen the Levee Breaksfrom the point of view of Jared.Season 14 is the last season of Supernatural. The show is ending at 300 episodes, and Jared and Jensen have big plans for their future...plans that don't involve wives or bearding or lying to everyone. But even the best-laid plans go awry...It all comes to a head at the series wrap party, where lies and misunderstandings cause a depressed Jared to go farther than he's ever gone before. His actions leave devastation in their wake, but just maybe he and Jensen can use this heartbreak to find the life they've always dreamed of.Note: I HIGHLY suggest reading When the Levee Breaks before reading this story.





	1. The River's Red in My Head

**Author's Note:**

> I would REALLY appreciate it if you took a few minutes to read the following (admittedly extremely long) author's note...
> 
> Edited: I deleted some of the note because it was about this being a WIP and it NO LONGER APPLIES WOOOOO
> 
> I really hope you like this. Even though this fic has the same plot at WTLB (obviously), I tried very hard to give it a voice of its own and provide you with new information and insight, since it's coming from Jared instead of Jensen.
> 
> Again, I really REALLY hope you guys like this. I know the style is different, much more stream-of-consciousness. I did this partly because I wanted to really show what was going through Jared's head during all of this and partly because I think that Jared and Jensen have a different way of perceiving everything around them, which includes Jared being more likely to get stuck in his head and kind of be...confusing to the point of almost unintelligible. So I hope that came across (while still being intelligible for you, of course).
> 
> In a weird way, this story was more difficult to write than WTLB, even though the plot had already been completed. Much of Jared's POV, internal monologues, and weird, twisted thoughts came from personal experience. I didn't mention this in the original story, but his OD also came from personal experience.
> 
> I got a comment on the original story about how a person could not survive taking 300mg of Ambien along with a substantial amount of alcohol, and I would like to say that I know from first-hand experience that that is not 100% true, especially for someone who is 6'4" like Jared. (I am only 5'4", which means my body would not be able to process as much as his, and I survived just fine, physically speaking.) (That's not to say that the same holds true for every person, and regardless of your height/body size or believed health of you liver and kidneys, PLEASE don't do this. It's not an enjoyable experience AT ALL.) I am only mentioning this because of the comment that was left (that I ended up deleting because I felt that there was not constructiveness to the criticism that had been provided).
> 
> Anyways, I just want to thank each and every one of you for not only reading When the Levee Breaks but enjoying it enough to read this work as well. ~~I'd also like to thank you for reading a WIP and trusting that I will, in fact, finish it it in a satisfying and timely manner.~~ Finished it in less than a fucking week whaaaaat
> 
> You all mean so much to me and have given me the confidence and motivation to write not only other fan fics (I'm working on finishing a wincest fic that I started FOUR years ago) but also something original (which obviously won't be posted here on ao3, although I do have a poetry blog on tumblr, so let me know if for some crazy reason you want the name of that).
> 
> And, as always, thank you to [cyncitymojo](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cyncitymojo/pseuds/cyncitymojo) for not only being an amazing advice giver but also an amazing friend.
> 
> Love you all so so much. ❤ ❤ ❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Added note (May 14):** I finally had the time and energy and required sobriety to edit this chapter. (I'm sorry I didn't do it before I posted it, but...you know. Alcohol.) Anyways, I was planning on fixing just grammar/spelling stuff but I ended up adding some content as well. If you don't want to reread this chapter then you won't be missing any new vital information, but I did change enough that it if you do decide to read it again, you will find some new stuff. **(end of new note)**

_Oh baby the river's red, ah baby in my head_  
_There's a funny feelin' goin' on_  
_I don't think I can hold out long_

 

Jared was in the kitchen, just back from a mid-morning run. He had cabinet doors and drawers and the fridge all open wide, gathering the ingredients for the perfect sandwich. He was humming along to a song he still didn’t know very well. Whenever he was in the mood to listen to something new, he would steal Jensen’s laptop and go through his music library, finding the most recently-added songs and downloading them to his own phone. Jared did this partly because he was lazy, partly because he trusted Jensen’s taste in music, and partly because he wanted them to enjoy listening to the same stuff. That’s how their epic love of Kaleo had been born: Jensen had heard one of their songs on the radio; Jared had discovered their albums on Jensen’s laptop; and the rest, as they say, is history.

So Jared was very much wrapped up in this new (to them, at least; Jared thought it might have come out a few years ago) song—Take a Walk by Passion Pit—that he didn’t notice Jensen enter the kitchen until a packet of papers was being waved under his nose. He looked up at Jensen’s face and was blinded by a huge grin.

“What’s that?” he asked as he pulled his earphones free, the muted sounds of the song drifting out, barely audible; Jensen glanced down, and Jared saw a smaller, different but more intimate smile flit across his face. Jared hoped Jensen hadn't figured out his evil scheme to keep himself and Jensen synced up, musically-speaking. (There was definitely a pun in there somewhere, probably involving a 90s boy band.) Sure, the two of them had hit it off straight out of the _Supernatural_ audition gate, fitting together and snapping into place so quickly and tightly (pun totally intended this time) that Jared didn't think anything short of a block of TNT could break them apart. But that didn't mean every interest they shared just popped into existence, no extra work required. So this sneaky music thing was something small and seemingly insignificant that Jared liked to do for Jensen, for _them_ , to keep their bond strong and their time spent together all the more enjoyable. Maybe it seemed silly or unnecessary, but every time Jared casually said, "Hey, there's this band I kinda like coming to town so I got us tickets because I'm pretty sure you'll like them too," and then revealed the concert tickets to be for one of Jensen's new musical obsessions, Jensen's face would light up like the freaking Fourth of July. And  _that_ expression was one of Jared's favorite things to experience, so if he could be the one to put that smile on Jensen's face then he sure as hell would find a way to do it as often as humanly possible.

Jensen's voice wrenched Jared out of his musings and tumbling back down to earth, the landing hard and painful.

“Finalized divorce papers.” The rolling in Jared’s stomach and squeezing he felt in his chest were in direct opposition to the fake smile he plastered onto his face and the congratulations he offered to his partner. His eyes flicked quickly to the papers, trying not to glare too hard at them; he wanted to burn a hole through them, like if he somehow managed to do that then everything else that had happened over the last few months would be erased, reset to factory settings, and events would then play out like they were supposed to.

Not that Jared wasn’t happy for Jensen, of course he was. It was just…

When Jensen had informed him that Danneel had met someone, Jared felt his life tip sideways, like something in his very foundation had shifted. Because he knew what “Danneel met someone” meant to his and Jensen's plans, but he couldn’t begrudge her that happiness, not after she'd provided them with three beautiful children and an eight-year-long lie that allowed them to keep both the show _and_ each other. So he sat through the meetings with Jensen and Danneel and Genevieve and their lawyers, reworking the contracts that allowed Jensen to become a free man a year early while Jared had to continue on with the charade with Genevieve for a year longer than expected.

Jared told Danneel that he was happy for her and he told Jensen that this was fine, that _he_ was fine, but he could see the lie reflected back at him from Jensen’s bright green and all-too-knowing eyes, knew that Jensen could see right through the lie, could see right through _Jared._  Just like he always could. When Jensen didn’t call him out on it, though, Jared felt a mix of relief, gratefulness…and maybe a sliver of disappointment. But that disappointment had been threaded through nearly every part of the last decade of his life, so he’d stopped noticing it ages ago.

And sure, maybe it— _it_ being the change of plans and contracts, the near-miss of being free from a fake marriage, the fact that any of that messed-up crap ever had to be a part of his life in the first place—was tearing Jared apart from the inside, but at least it was _still on the inside_. As long as it stayed on the inside he could push it down for awhile, pretend it didn’t exist; and when it finally clawed its way out of his subconscious he would push it to the back, back and back and back until it was so flattened against his skull that even though he was now always aware of it, it wasn’t anything he had to worry about, not yet. And when he let his guard down and accidentally eased up on the pressure and it finally had the chance to reassert itself, it inflated not with air but with thoughts and emotions, growing too big that he couldn’t ignore it anymore...that's when he just smothered it with more thoughts and more emotions, more ideas and memories of his own choosing, layering them on thick and deep and heavy, hoping that their weight would eventually kill it, crush it to death.

It never did, it never worked, and Jared knew that from the beginning but he didn’t care. It was still better than letting it run unchecked and uncontained through his mind, more damaging than Godzilla was to Tokyo. And it was _definitely_ better than talking about it, than admitting to Jensen not just the lie that Jensen probably already knew but all the weight that came with it, something that Jensen was still blissfully unaware of. Unplagued by. Innocent to.  Voicing these thoughts and putting words to these emotions and watching in horror as he forced them upon Jensen—a man who didn’t even deserve to have to carry the weight of a feather let alone the weight of an entire person, of Jared—well, to put it simply (for once)…that just wouldn’t be fair to the man Jared loved. But nothing in life was fair, right? Sure, whatever. Yet no matter how many times those stupidly dispiriting clichés were spouted at Jared (usually by his own uncooperative brain), he figured keeping Jensen out of the trenches and away from the battlefield meant that it was unfair only to Jared himself. And guess what? Jared was used to that.

So Jared silently thanked Jensen when he didn’t press the issue a day later, a week later, a month later; but eventually, at some point—and every single fucking time, no matter how hard he tried, he could never figure out where exactly that point was so that he could avoid it, like trying to find a piece of hay in a haystack surrounded by more haystacks when he probably wasn’t even in the right barn to begin with —Jared’s silence morphed from a desperate thanks to a mind-numbing scream. He was sinking; he’d stayed quiet for too long, thinking the darkness and stillness was peace when it was actually smoke and ash and tar seeping unknowingly into his mind until it was too late. He had trusted, _believed_ in that false sense of security…and he’d completely forgotten to warn Jensen.

It really wasn’t bad at first. Maybe the disappointment and depression were coming from a new direction but Jared was embarrassingly comfortable with the emotions themselves, maybe even a little too comfortable, like a security blanket he’d had for years but it was made from wool and he was allergic to wool, so how much good was it really doing him? He tried not to think too hard about that one.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So maybe the first proverbial straw that would usually break a camel’s back was having to stay married a year longer than expected, but Jared was used to dealing with plenty of straws and it always took more than one to send him down for the count. Which was good, because the second came after the near-disaster at the Vancouver convention.

Jared knew that if he (with Jensen as backup) pushed hard enough, the network execs who were currently giving them an ass-chewing would back down with their demands completely. When Jared heard the words “Genevieve” and “Vancouver” and “months” come from a smug and steely voice over the phone, the final threads of his patience snapped. No fucking way was he going to put in that kind of bearding effort, not when he was spending about eighty hours a week filming, _not_ when Vancouver was supposed to be his and Jensen’s. It was their bubble, the place where Jared could almost forget about all the lies he was forced to hide behind. Jensen was thinking the same thing (they were also thinking the same thing; they weren’t just one the same page, they were on the same fucking syllable) because he managed to choke out a reply first.

“I’m sorry, did you say a few _months_?!”

“Yes.” That was Suzanne’s voice, harsh and sneering. Jared fucking hated her. He knew she wasn’t the only person at fault when it came to his and Jensen’s situation—not even close to the only person—but she was constantly exacerbating it, bringing Jared to breaking point many times over the last few years. Jared vividly remembered the day he went on some daytime talk show to announce Genevieve’s third pregnancy. It was awkward and so unnecessary because the whole fucking fandom knew about the pregnancy by that point.

Jensen kept arguing with her, making sure she gained no ground while letting Jared work through a few moments of anger and shock.

“No,” Jensen said.

“Yes,” Suzanne repeated.

“ _NO_ ,” Jared was finally able to spit out. “ _That’s not happening_.” Jared silently begged them to back down. He did not reveal his full temper very often because the force of it scared even him. Not that he was the kind of person to punch walls and throw glass bowls at someone’s head; no, he used words. His voice turned to acid and words spilled uncontrollably from his lips, burning through anything and everything that got in his way. It had left more than one person lying unconscious on the metaphorical floor, covered by invisible red welts.

Jared could get mean, and sometimes he had trouble directing it at only the people he was mad at, keeping the overflow from sizzling any innocent bystanders. And there were a few here: Jensen of course, plus Bob and Eric and even Angela (even though she did scream at them last night, she was usually one of the more easy-going and understanding people that they had to deal with, so Jared couldn’t hold a grudge against her for having a two-minute freakout).

He heard Jensen go straight for the head shot, pointing out that there was very little the execs could use to control them anymore; the show was months away from wrapping up (so no more “Think of your jobs, think of the jobs of every other crew and cast member, you really want to leave them unemployed because you two couldn’t keep it in your pants in public?”); that they weren’t particularly worried about their acting careers anymore (they were past the point of wanting to be A-list stars who got mobbed wherever they went; it no longer appealed to either of them, plus they both had side businesses); and they obviously weren’t worried about money. The only people they were still doing this for were their fans.

“And frankly,” Jared added with a smirk, “it seems like plenty of them would be ecstatic to find out the truth.” Jared let his words thicken the air in the best way, wrapping like a warm blanket around him and Jensen while acting like a pillow pressed to the mouths of the execs, relentless and intent on suffocation.

“So. No. Bearding.” Jensen’s statement and voice held a finality that Jared knew no one would bother to argue with.

“Fine,” Suzanne snapped. “What _will_ you agree to do?”

Jared’s eyes went straight to Jensen’s and they had a silent conversation, considering their options and the pros and cons of each one. Jared didn’t want Genevieve to come up, and he knew Jensen wanted to see her even less. But Suzanne had mentioned her bringing their kids, which Jared reminded Jensen of with an eyebrow raise and a head tilt. Jensen acknowledged Jared’s point with a head nod and a sigh. They both missed their kids, and if they were able to see three of them without having to make a long flight down to Austin after an exhausting workweek, that was something neither of them could pass up.

“Genevieve can come up here next week,” Jared acquiesced. “For a few _days_.” Jensen then added that he could take plenty of pictures that Genevieve could post on social media in the following weeks. Easy and hassle-free bearding.

“And you’ll spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with her in Austin,” Suzanne said.

 _The fuck I am_ , Jared almost growled, just barely managing to replace it with a more civil “We were gonna file for divorce during winter hiatus.”

“No, because you’ll need to take her to the series wrap party.”

That was the point when Jared’s mind started fritzing. He remembered arguing with Suzanne; he remembered Eric chiming in for the first time, trying to convince Jared to go along with the execs; he remembered feeling like he’d been slapped when Eric took the network's side instead of his and Jensen's. Eric had always been understanding and supportive, so where the hell was this coming from?

He remembered Jensen ending the discussion by saying they needed some time to discuss everything before making a decision. He remembered Jensen gently pushing and pulling him out of Bob’s office without a goodbye, leading him to the car that would take them home, to the bubble that surrounded their life together up here. He remembered thinking that that bubble was about to be popped.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eric called the next day to apologize and explain his stance from the day before, and to say that almost immediately after the phone call he realized that he’d made a bad call in agreeing with the network execs. He told Jared and Jensen that he would stand behind them, whatever decision they made. And when he said that if he’d been calling all the shots ten years ago he never would have pressured them into the bearding and the marriages and the lies, Jared’s heart broke a little. Eric had been the showrunner for the first five years, from the moment Jared and Jensen met and fell in love all the way up to the moment they stood at the end of (different) aisles, watching women they didn’t love walking towards them, death of a life and future they’d been so excited for clinging to the girls like veils made not of white lace but of black ash and smoke, thick enough to crawl into their lungs and their minds and suffocate any hopes they’d had left.

Jared couldn’t blame Eric, though. Being in charge of the show had only granted a certain amount of pull, and Jared knew that the people in charge of the network would always be able to overrule any decision or input Eric made that they didn’t agree with. And when it came to Jared and Jensen, they didn’t agree with _a lot_.

But whatever easiness and relief that Jared had managed to salvage was quickly torn to shreds with the arrival of Genevieve a week later.

Sure, she only stayed five days, and being able to see some of their kids was certainly a silver lining. But it was like her presence had shifted everything slightly. Not enough to bring everything tumbling down, not right away; it was subtle, silent and patient but no less deadly. Jared almost didn’t notice it at first, but even after she left everything felt off, like he and Jensen were two puzzle pieces that still looked like they fit together and almost did still fit together but everything was just a little too loose, leaving just enough space for something dark and poisonous and unnameable to slip between the cracks and slowly but steadily erode Jared from the inside out.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Tell me again why the hell we agreed to spend Thanksgiving with her?” Jared whispered as he and Jensen were getting ready to board the plane back to Texas.

“Because both of our extended families will be there and it would look suspicious if Genevieve wasn’t?” At Jensen’s perfectly rational and logical reply, a low growl escaped through Jared’s clenched teeth and pursed lips.

“Okay, then tell me again why I should give a flying fuck what looks suspicious?” he asked after a minute of silence. Jensen shrugged a non-response but kept his gaze fixed on Jared’s face.

“Jay…are you okay?” Jensen’s voice carried a weight to it that made Jared realize that Jensen’s question was about more than just Thanksgiving. It was about... _everything_.

Jared knew his mood had been steadily dipping over the last few months, but it was in the last week that he knew Jensen had started to really worry. Before, Jared would catch Jensen looking at him, eyes squinted and lips slightly downturned like he was lost in thought and worry. He had also noticed Jensen going out of his way (well, more so than usual) to make Jared smile and laugh or to coax Jared out of his head when he was getting too withdrawn.

But in the last week, Jensen had dropped any and all pretenses and asked Jared (multiple times) point-blank what was wrong. Jared brushed him off, even walking away when Jensen wouldn’t drop it. But they were about to spend hours together on an airplane, which meant Jared could no longer physically avoid the conversation. And he knew that Jensen knew this and was already figuring out how to make it work to his advantage, to force Jared to finally open up. And Jared was not looking forward to that conversation.

Twenty minutes into the flight and things went exactly as Jared had expected.

“Jay. You gotta talk to me, man.”

Jared made one last attempt to shrug it off, to avoid the dreaded subject, but it was half-hearted and completely futile. The truth was, Jared didn’t _not_ want to talk to Jensen, he just didn’t know _how_. And it wasn’t because he didn’t feel comfortable confiding in his partner, and it certainly wasn’t because Jensen was hard to talk to. No, the problem was him, _Jared_. He couldn’t even string together one coherent though describing what felt so off, so trying to _articulate_ it? Not likely to happen. Which was exactly what he told Jensen.

“You don’t know how to talk to me?” Jensen was trying to keep his voice calm and even but Jared could hear the hurt in there, buried deep but clawing its way up quickly. “Jared, we’ve been together for fourteen—“

Jared couldn’t let Jensen think that the problem was him; god, the problem was _never_ Jensen. “I don’t know how to talk about _it_ ,” he cut in, hoping Jensen understood. “I don’t know how to tell you what’s wrong because I don’t even know what’s wrong!”

That was only partially true. One of the most _enjoyable_ (sarcasm, obviously) things about depression was its lack of rhyme or reason; it had no interest in logic or rationale or timing. It struck when it wanted, where it wanted, why it wanted, and it always left Jared scrambling. However, just because his depression didn’t need an excuse didn’t mean it never had one, and currently Jared had a virtual smorgasbord of faults and justifications that his depression could pick and choose from at its leisure. He left that part out, though, when he finally broke down and tried to explain it to Jensen.

He kept to the theoretical, the strange and uncomfortably vivid image in his head that he couldn’t get rid of: him, sitting on that ledge, teetering but unable to fall; the fall necessary so that he could pick himself up and move on. He knew that the fall would be painful, but existing in this indefinite limbo made him feel like he was disintegrating. Going insane. Not from voices or visions but from inertia.

He knew his explanation made no sense to Jensen, but when he was finished he could see Jensen turning it over and over in his mind, his magic fingers somehow always able to find the end of a thread and start untangling it even when Jared couldn’t. He dozed off shortly after, the steady sounds of Jensen’s breath and heartbeat sweeter than any lullaby.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To say that Thanksgiving was an ordeal would be an understatement. It ended on a good note, though. Well, a few good notes, many of which were sung (or screamed) in a hotel room fifteen minutes away from his home. And afterwards, when Jared told Jensen that he wanted to ignore the network and their handlers and go ahead with his and Jensen's original plan (well, orginal plan B) to file the divorce papers over Christmas hiatus, Jensen agreed without hesitation. And for the first time in six months, Jared saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

Less than a month later, that light was extinguished with the news from his lawyer that Genevieve was contesting the divorce. When he and Jensen went to see her, to try and reason with her and talk some sense into her, Jared just got more confused. Because he had thought that maybe she didn’t want to get divorced because of money, or exposure, or…something superficial like that. So when their conversation devolved into a screaming argument and the truth finally came out, Jared felt like he’d been slapped in the face.

_I want you to love me. Why don’t you love me?_

The words echoed in his mind long after he and Jensen had left the house. Long after Jensen had fallen asleep that night while Jared had laid awake next to him, mind numb from shock as he'd stared unblinkingly at the ceiling. Long after hiatus was over and they'd headed back to Vancouver. Her words reverberated in his head up until the second she began calling him and he heard them repeated out loud.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Ja-Jared,” she sobbed quietly, the sound muted over the phone and the 3000 miles of separation. “I-I just…what can I do? Please, tell me how to fix this.”

Jared sighed, rubbing his eyes hard. “There’s nothing to fix, Genevieve,” he repeated for the fifth? sixth? time in the last three weeks.

“But…” she argued desperately, “there has to be s-something I can do.”

Jared cringed, just managing to silence his groan of frustration. “We’ve had this conversation already, multiple times,” he said softly, not wanting to upset her even more. He knew that Jensen would think he was being too nice, too gentle, because Jared hadn’t done anything wrong and he shouldn’t have to deal with all this, and Jared kind of wished that Jensen was here to step in, to put a stop to it, to let Jared off the hook. But Jensen didn’t know about these thrice-weekly phone calls he'd been getting from his soon-to-be ex-wife because Jared hadn’t been able to tell him. Not yet. Because maybe Jared could figure this out on his own, work it all out so that nobody got hurt (yeah, right), and even though this wasn’t really his fault—he knew he had no control over Genevieve’s emotions and reactions—he still couldn’t help feeling like the most responsible party in all this mess. Like if someone has to take the blame, he should be at the top of the list.

“I know,” she said, the disappointment and hopelessness evident in her voice and her sigh of resignation. “I just thought maybe…I don’t know,” she finished with another sigh, this time loud and frustrated. Jared knew the feeling.

“Genevieve…I know you’re hurting, and I’m really really sorry. I hope you know that I never wanted you to feel like this. But I think…” Jared hesitated, worried that what he was about to say could make things worse, but he plowed ahead. “I think that maybe if you sign the divorce papers and we make a clean break…it might lift some of that weight off your shoulders. You’d be free to…y’know, do whatever. Meet someone that can love you the way you want.”

“But I want _you_ to be that person,” she sniffled. Jared’s fists clenched around the sheets on his bed. He’d been sitting in his room in the dark talking to her for almost an hour now, and Jensen was due home at any minute and—

“Is there any way we could just…try?” she asked desperately. “You know, to be a real couple?”

Jared’s mouth dropped open in shock. “What?” he yelled, then lowered his voice quickly. “What—are you—no, Genevieve. No! I’m sorry. Look, I can’t—I don’t think—“

“Have you ever been with a woman? How do you know for sure that you…”

Jared could not believe what he was hearing. “Genevieve, it doesn’t work like that," his voice so low in warning it was nearly a growl. "And even if it did, I mean,  _I love Jensen_.” Jared could forgive her for pushing about his sexuality, for her doubting that he didn’t know himself (even though she was wrong), but it was like she was completely ignoring Jensen’s existence, Jensen’s place in Jared’s life. Fuck, it shouldn’t matter whether Jared liked women as much as men (nope); the fact that he’d been with Jensen for _fourteen years_ should make her think twice about saying all that crap.

Jared zoned out after that, answering questions on automatic, the same questions that she’d been asking for weeks. The answers weren’t ever going to change, and Jared wished she’d just accept that and move on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On Jensen’s insistence, Jared ignored Genevieve’s calls for the next two weeks while they finished filming their very last episode. Ever. The reprieve helped to lessen his stress and lighten his mood, but he could feel everything still there in the back of his mind, biding time, lulling Jared into a false sense of security while waiting patiently.

One month later—on one of the biggest nights of his life—it all came crashing down, burying him underneath concrete rubble and shards of steel. The worst part, though? The punch that finally brought his precarious house of cards tumbling down came from the person he least expected: Jensen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are, as always, highly appreciated, but I could really use the extra motivation of comments right now, so if you enjoyed this chapter PLEASE leave a comment, even if it is only five words long. I love to read them and I make sure to reply to each and every one of them. Thanks, you guys! ❤
> 
> (PS.... ~~I am actually somewhat drunk right now but I really wanted to post this chapter. So basically, I'm sure there are quite a few grammar errors floating around, but I will edit them out tomorrow when I am sober enough to actually read through this chaper (sorry :/ ). Hope that's okay.~~ Finished editing 14 May 2017)


	2. A Den for Those Who Hide Their Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you knew this was coming, but I'm sorry anyways...

_Craze, baby, the rainbow's end, mmm, baby, it's just a den_  
_For those who hide, who hide their love to depths of life_    
_And ruin dreams that we all knew so, babe_

 

The kicker was, it started off good—no, it started off _great_.

“You can’t laugh at me!” Jared pouted as he walked into the living room of their hotel suite in L.A., his tie hanging pathetically around his neck. He crossed his arms and put on a fake frown. “I know you’ve schemed all these years so that I’d never learn how to tie a tie so that you would have to do it for me.”

“Baby, you’re so cute,” Jensen giggled. “I’ve missed you.” Jared’s heart skipped a beat at Jensen’s words. He knew he’d been distant, withdrawn…but had it really been that bad?

“I’m…right here,” he said tentatively, but before he had time to overthink it, he was being dragged towards Jensen by the ends of his tie, not stopping until Jensen was attacking his lips, eating at his mouth. His hands roamed up Jared’s back and down his chest. Jared squeezed Jensen’s hips tightly before pushing their bodies apart.

“You know how many people would be pissed at us if we were late to our own party?” Jared asked, not really caring himself but wanting to see what Jensen said.

“You know how much I don’t care?” Jensen retorted, pulling Jared back to him, and fuck if that wasn’t exactly what Jared wanted to hear. He immediately pushed them into the bedroom and onto the bed.

“You know your suit is gonna get really wrinkled?” Jared bantered as he pawed at the buttons on Jensen’s shirt.

“You know how much I wish people knew why?”

Jared paused, blushing deep at Jensen’s words, thinking that he’d never heard a more glorious sentence uttered from that sinful mouth. He snapped back into action, working twice as fast to open Jensen’s pants, followed quickly by his own. Jensen had made short work of their shirts, which they shucked unceremoniously onto the floor. They both froze for a moment, just looking at each other. Jared could see his love and desire for Jensen reflected in those green eyes, and he took in a sharp breath. Sometimes it hit him, really hit him, just how goddamn lucky he was to have this man by his side.

Jensen smiled softly as if he knew exactly what Jared was thinking. He kissed Jared slowly, then flipped them over so Jared was spread out on the bed, Jensen hovering over him, his soft smile replaced by a wicked grin.

Isn’t wasn’t a quick-and-dirty fuck like Jared had been expecting, and he was grateful for that. He’d never told Jensen, even though on-set urges made it an occasional necessity, but he always hated when they messed around without getting completely naked. It made him feel cheap, like an afterthought, a drunken bar bathroom fuck before “forgetting” to exchange names and phone numbers, just a careless “See ya around” tossed out over a retreating shoulder.

And obviously he and Jensen had plenty of (really fucking hot) bar bathroom sex (and airport bathroom sex and convention bathroom sex and…yeah), but the difference was that he and Jensen left together, went back to _their_ apartment and _their_ bed, and that never made Jared feel cheap; it made him feel loved.

But here, in arguably the nicest hotel suite they’d ever laid eyes on let alone stayed in, right before one of the biggest nights of their life…well, Jared didn’t want a half-clothed and hurried hand job; and just like always, Jensen was operating on the exact same wavelength. (Plus, showing up in wrinkled tuxes was one thing, but showing up in come-stained tuxes would probably give Eric a heart attack. And no, it’s not like someone would be walking around with a black light, double-checking every inch of their clothing for conspicuous spots, but if there’s one thing Ross from Friends had taught Jared, it’s that you can never be completely and totally sure that someone won’t have a black light.)

Jared, lost in his rambling thoughts, had completely failed to notice Jensen moving down his body until he felt wet heat surround his cock at the same time that something pushed lightly but insistently against his hole, sinking in an inch or so. Jensen’s mouth and Jensen’s finger.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jared whimpered; Jensen’s hummed vibrations around Jared’s cock in response made Jared gasp and say, “Fuck!” again. He was momentarily distracted from the feel of Jensen’s mouth when Jensen’s finger pushed deeper into him. It didn’t hurt like if Jensen had been fingering him dry—he knew he’d never do that—but there was an unmistakable burn that Jared figured meant Jensen had only used his own spit as lube.

As if reading Jared’s mind, Jensen popped of Jared’s cock and croaked, “Where’s the lube?” Jared whimpered, knowing the answer would mean Jensen pulling out of and away from Jared for a few seconds, but there’s no way he was going to try and do this without anything.

They’d done that before, sex without lube, when they’d had hours of time for Jensen to lick Jared open, sloppy and wet and begging even though he’d already come once just from Jensen’s tongue. That prep (that had left Jensen’s jaw sore for two days but “Totally fucking worth it, babe,” he’d said) had done the work that was usually required by three fingers and some lube. So when Jensen had slid into Jared (after his cock had been thoroughly slicked up by Jared’s mouth), it had burned a little more than usual but the friction had been to die for. It ended up being the hardest that he or Jensen had come in ages.

Right now, unfortunately, they didn’t have time for that, so Jared pointed wordlessly to their small duffel that usually housed items they tended to need more regularly while traveling or immediately after getting to their destination—phone chargers, toothbrushes and toothpaste, Tylenol, etc, and of course, lube.

“Be right back,” Jensen whispered, hurriedly trying to peck Jared on the forehead but missing and getting half his eyelid instead. Jared whimpered again at the loss of Jensen’s finger as well as his body heat, but he was back in a flash, flipping the cap open to coat the fingers of his left hand. He knelt onto the bed, dropping the lube to his right and crawling up Jared’s body to kiss him senseless while his fingers reached down and he pressed two of them into Jared.

“Too fast?” Jensen asked, checking, even though Jared knew that Jensen knew he would say something if it was.

“Too slow,” Jared whispered back, reaching his hand between them to wrap around Jensen’s cock so he could jack him off painfully slowly. It was Jensen’s turn to whimper this time, and Jared felt him scissoring his fingers, trying to speed of the prep process.

The moment Jared felt Jensen add a third finger to him, he bucked his hips and whispered, “I’m ready, babe, c’mon. I want you in me, now!” Jensen stilled above him and Jared realized that Jensen had grabbed the base of his own cock to stave off his orgasm.

“Seriously? That wasn’t even real dirty talk!” Jared giggled, delighted that after years together he was still able to get Jensen so worked up that he was in danger of blowing his load before even getting inside Jared. Not that Jared was one to talk; Jensen had done the same to him more times than he could count. “Fuck me, Jen, now. I need you in me,” Jared growled, and Jensen mewled.

“Stop talking for a second so I can calm down!” he hissed back.

“Hmm…nope,” Jared replied. “God, I feel so empty without you in me, all stretched out and wet. I can feel my muscles trying to clamp down around your cock. Can’t wait to be a filled up, fuck I wanna feel you for the rest of the night. Does that turn you on, Jen? The idea of me walking around the party with all our friends and coworkers, the phantom ache of your cock being in a me a constant reminder of what we did right before going there? Every time I sit down and wince a little, and you see it and know exactly why, is that gonna make you hard for me? Gonna make you want to grab me and pull me into the bathroom, lock the door and take me up against the wall? No prep because I’ll already be loose and wet from your come dripping slowly out of me?”

“Jay, fuck, stop,” Jensen panted, one hand still holding tight around the base of his cock while the other flew up to clap over Jared’s mouth. “I will kill you,” he growled, but he looked so obviously lust-ravaged that Jared knew he’d a least get sex out of Jensen before Jensen killed him. Jared licked the hand over his mouth, and while anyone else would have had the knee-jerk reaction to pull away, Jensen was not just anyone, and Jared’s tongue had explored much more intimated places of Jensen’s body than the palm of his hand, so it didn’t faze him one bit.

He saw Jensen close his eyes and take five deep breaths before removing his grip from around himself, though he kept his other hand over Jared’s mouth. Jensen then used his free hand to pull one of Jared’s legs around his waist and the other up over his shoulder. He lined his cock up with Jared’s hole and pushed slowly in, all the while still maintaining his right hand firmly over Jared’s lips. And fuck if Jared wasn’t _really_ fucking turned on by that.

Jensen bottomed out a moment later, then pulled out and thrusted back in a few times before he finally removed his hand to let Jared continue his dirty talk, but by that point all Jared managed to get out was a load moan and a whispered “Faster!”

Jensen obliged, his hips like pistons and his mouth sinful as he consumed Jared’s every whimper and moan straight from their source. Jared felt Jensen’s hand slip up his leg and reach for his cock, but he slapped it away before Jensen could wrap a hand around him.

“Come…wanna come…” Jared panted, “just...on you…your cock.” Jensen let out a strangled cry and began moving even faster.

“I can’t…I’m close, babe,” Jensen panted between thrusts, but Jared couldn’t hear what he said as right then his orgasm ripped through him. His body went rigid and his eyes rolled back, and he could feel Jensen freeze above him moments before he was filled with something wet and sticky and warm. Jensen’s orgasm and come filling Jared caused Jared’s own orgasm to drag out a few seconds longer. He dug his fingernails into Jensen’s back as he felt Jensen start to rock again slowly above him and inside him. Jared’s eyes popped open in surprise.

“Fuck, are you still hard?” Jensen’s whimper was as good as any yes. “ _Fuck_. Fuck, Jen, I can’t…oh, _fuck_. So hot. Keep going, please baby, keep…” Jared babbled as Jensen started thrusting again, more slowly this time.

Jared slipped his leg down from Jensen’s shoulder and wrapped it around his waist, locking his ankles together at the same time that he wrapped his arms around Jensen’s shoulders and locked his hands together. It limited the range of Jensen’s movements, but Jared didn’t care because Jensen’s still-hard (fuck!) cock was dragging repeatedly over Jared’s prostrate. His own cock was somehow hard again too, and he felt his second orgasm tingling at the base of his spine, faster this time but no less strong.

“Jen…close…” Jared panted. Jensen growled and he began making short but strong punches into Jared.

“Come for me, babe,” Jensen breathed as his hand wrapped around Jared’s cock and made short, rough pulls. And how was Jared supposed to fight with that? He clenched his muscles around Jensen’s cock, knowing exactly what it would do to Jensen. They came at exactly the same time, Jensen’s come spilling inside Jared then out around Jensen’s cock when Jared became too full to keep it all in him, while Jared added a second layer of his own come to his and Jensen’s stomachs and chests.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Jensen gasped before collapsing fully on top of Jared. He slid his arms under Jared’s back and rolled them to their sides, the motion causing his now-soft cock to slide out of Jared. Jared whined at the sudden empty feeling, so Jensen reached down and pushed three fingers into Jared, eliciting a sigh of relief from both of them. “I don’t wanna leave,” Jensen whispered as he curled around Jared and kissed his neck.

“I know,” Jared whispered back, his hand stroking up and down Jensen’s side, then coming up to rest on his cheek. “But we kinda have to.” Jensen grumbled, sounding more like a disgruntled bear than a man; all that was missing was his hiatus beard (though Jared knew that that would be making a welcome appearance over the next few months). “But remember I promised you bathroom sex?” Jensen perked up at that, opening his eyes and smirking.

“Only if we do it twice,” Jensen said gruffly, “and one of those times involves me eating my come out of your ass before spinning you around and blowing you so good you pass out for a minute.”

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” Jared sputtered, groaning when his cock twitched with renewed interest. “God, d-don’t…don’t say shit like that! We don’t have time for a third round right now.”

“Fine, fine,” Jensen pouted. He kissed Jared’s nose then lips, pulling back and rolling off the bed before the kiss could turn too dirty. Jared rolled onto his back and looked down at himself, sighing.

“I don’t think wet wipes are gonna cut it this time,” he said absently.

“Good thing we have a shower, then,” Jensen said, coming to stand by Jared at the side of the bed. He reached down, grabbing Jared’s hand and pulling him upright. “C’mon, baby. I’ll let you wash me off.”

“If I wash you off then we’re never getting out of this hotel room,” Jared pointed out.

“Fine, I’ll be back in two minutes, won’t even get my hair wet, then you can use the shower. K?” Jared nodded in agreement and stared hungrily at Jensen’s perky little ass as he walked away towards the bathroom. “Stop staring at my ass!” he growled without looking back at Jared.

“Never gonna _not_ look, babe!” Jared shouted back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So yeah, it started off great, and Jared floated on his Jensen high all the way past the red carpet and into the beautiful building where the wrap party was being held.

And then Genevieve showed up.

Jared was chatting with Tim and Mark when he felt Jensen pat his arm and whisper “I’ll be right back.” Honestly, Jared probably wouldn’t have noticed her if Jensen hadn’t gone over there right away. His eyes tracked Jensen as he wove through the crowded room, and when Jared saw where Jensen was headed, he quickly extricated himself from the conversation with his two castmates and followed Jensen’s path. Even as he got closer, he couldn’t hear what they were saying as the noise from the crowd was too loud. He wanted to hide, hover and listen in on what they were arguing about, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to overhear one word.

“Genevieve?” He noticed Jensen tense up when he spoke. Jared assumed Jensen had been trying to convince her to leave before Jared saw her, before this could turn into a bigger mess than it was already becoming. Jensen turned around slowly.

“Jare—Jared,” Genevieve stammered, “I, um, I need to talk to you.” Jensen looked at Jared, pleading silently, asking Jared not to go, not to give in. Jared looked back and forth between his fake partner and his real one, anxiety clawing into his skin and crawling up his spine. He hesitated, but thought that maybe if he talked to her for a few minutes then she would leave willingly. Jared wasn’t sure how she would react if he rejected her request right here and now, so he gave in.

“Um…yeah, I guess. If it’s quick.”

“Jay—“ Jensen said in alarm. His voice shook.

“It’s fine, Jen,” Jared assured him, then turned to Genevieve. “Five minutes, okay?” She nodded in agreement and Jared turned back to Jensen, giving him his best apologetic-but-reassuring puppy dog eyes. Jensen stayed silent and didn’t follow Jared as he led Genevieve out of the ballroom and into the stillness of a side hall. He quickly found an empty room and ushered her inside before closing the door.

The conversation started off just like every other one: Genevieve starting to cry; Jared trying to push down his anger and frustration; Genevieve asking _yet again_ why Jared didn’t love her; Jared answering _yet again_ that he never did, never would, was gay, has been in love with Jensen for over a decade; Genevieve begging him to give her a chance; Jared refusing point blank. And maybe that was what finally made Jared snap, Genevieve’s complete disregard for Jensen. Again.

He’d been pacing back and forth in front of her, not really looking at her, but when Jared pointed out for the thousandth time that he was with Jensen and she waved his comment off like it was nothing, he stopped and turned towards her, his glare drilling into her eyes. She shivered and took a small step back.

“Genevieve!” he shouted. “What part of ‘I’m with Jensen’ do you not understand?!”

“I didn’t mean—“

“Yeah, you did!”

“No! Jared, look I understand you’ve been with Jensen for a long time but you’ve been with _me_ for a long time too!” Genevieve was close to screaming.

“ _I’ve never been with you!_ What the fuck? It was never real, you knew that! From the beginning! And standing here, dismissing Jensen like he means nothing…you can’t do that! He’s _everything_ to me!”

“How could you do this to me?” she screamed.

“I’m not doing anything. You’re doing this to yourself! You. Need. To. Move. On!”

“Fuck you, you bastard!”

“Right back at you!” Jared snarled. “Sign the damn papers and get out of my life! I’m so done with your shit!”

“I fucking hate you! I hope you die!” This time it was Jared’s turn to take a step back in shock. Genevieve didn’t wait around for a reply, though. She spun and stormed towards the door, flinging it open to reveal Jensen standing there.

Jared leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor, bringing his knees up and dropping his head to hide the tears that were moments from spilling down his cheeks. Seconds later Jensen was kneeling in front of him, talking to him, probably asking if he was okay. But Jared couldn’t focus on his words. At least, not until Jensen stood abruptly, anger evident in his erratic pacing and gesturing.

“God dammit, I cannot keep doing this. This is ridiculous!” he ranted loudly. “I should’ve put an end to this long ago! I can’t do this anymore— _we_  can’t do this anymore!”

Wait…what the fuck _?_ Jared’s brain stuttered in disbelief. Was Jensen…what was Jensen saying? Jared stared up at him, horror creeping through his veins like ice, freezing his blood; he felt his heart shatter. He turned Jensen’s words over and over in his head, hoping that he was misunderstanding them. Yet every conclusion he came to was the same one. Was Jensen breaking up with him?

Jensen closed his eyes and breathed deeply, and that was all the answer Jared needed. He pushed everything away, putting up the one mask that he knew even Jensen couldn’t see through. He stood up, listening numbly to his (now ex-) partner’s suggestion that they needed to go back because the episode was about to play. Jared nodded sharply and walked towards the door, not looking back. He felt like he was walking away from his entire life that was now just a pile of dust spread across the floor, trampled on and forgotten.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next hour passed by in a haze. Jared barely paid attention during the forty-five minutes in the theater. He shot out of his seat the moment the credits began rolling, shaking Jensen off without a word. He headed straight to the bar and ordered three shots, downing them one after another when he saw that Jensen hadn’t even tried to follow him.

He ordered three more, when Jensen appeared on the other side of the room, and by the time he’d put those away Jensen had made his way to Jared’s side at the bar, though Jared wasn’t sure why.

“Jen,” he said coolly, hoping Jensen would get the hint that Jared really did not want to be around him right now. Apparently Jensen didn’t get it, or maybe he just didn’t want to take it.

“Jay, I think we should go back to the hotel for an hour or two,” he said quietly so that no one else could hear him. “You’re upset and the alcohol probably isn’t helping.”

 _We?_ Jared thought angrily. _There’s no ‘we’ anymore_. Jensen had made sure of that.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jared replied, setting down his seventh empty shot glass.

“Jay?”

“I need to pee,” he said, using the lie as an excuse to escape. He was barely keeping it together; besides, going back to the hotel—alone, not with Jensen—actually did sound like a damn good plan. He headed in the direction of the bathrooms in case Jensen was watching or following him, then slipped into the empty side hall and made his way to an exit.

The shots were finally hitting him, and he stumbled a little as he walked across the large expanse of sidewalk and expensively manicured gardens to the limo that he and Jensen had arrived in. Sliding into the back, he directed the driver to take him back to the hotel and remained silent for the remainder of the short trip.

He entered the hotel and passed the front desk, pausing to tell the concierge that he didn’t want any interruptions—absolutely no visitors and no phone calls to his room. He then made his way to the elevators and rode an empty one up to the penthouse suite. His whole body was shaking so badly that it took him four tries to get the door unlocked and opened.

The sound of it slamming shut echoed through his mind and lit up his nerves, like a gunshot going off at the start of a race but instead of running he was shattering to pieces.

He kicked his shoes off while wrestling with the knot on his tie, finally loosening it enough to rip it over his head, followed quickly by his jacket and shirt. He tossed his wallet and keys in the direction of the table before yanking his pants off, leaving them in a crumpled heap on the floor with the rest of his clothes. He numbly made his way to the bedroom, mindlessly pawing through the clothes in his suitcase. Unable to find any sweatpants, he settled for a soft and well-worn pair of jeans and his favorite t-shirt.

He stood there for a minute, completely frozen, before his mind suddenly snapped, going from motionless to overdrive in an instant. He walked around and around the bedroom, trying to make sense of the events that had just transpired.

Maybe it was a misunderstanding? Maybe Jensen wasn’t trying to break up with him? Or maybe Jensen was breaking up with him but would realize he made a mistake? Maybe there was something Jared could do to get him back? No, no, no. Nothing made sense to Jared, all his reasoning and logic was being smothered by the piercing hole that was eating its way through his heart.

He’d never felt like this before, absolutely and utterly wrecked and with no one to lean on. Jensen was gone. What was he supposed to do? _What was he supposed to do?_ He needed to not feel this, he couldn’t handle this. He just needed…

He looked around and noticed a pill bottle peeking out of his suitcase. Yes, he thought. Sleep. He just needed to sleep for a bit, give himself some time to forget this. He could deal with it later. He bent down and retrieved the bottle, looking at it carefully before opening it and shaking out one…well, two would be okay. Actually, maybe three. Three wouldn’t hurt, right? He grabbed a water bottle that was sitting on one of the bedside tables and swallowed the pills, then began pacing again.

Five minutes later and he felt even more jittery and on edge than he had before. He looked at the pill bottle still gripped tightly in his hand and opened it again, pouring out a few more tablets but not bothering to count them this time. He swallowed them and paced again, mindlessly repeating these actions every few minutes until he realized that there were no pills left.

Shit. He’d taken them all. He hadn’t meant to, not really. He just…he felt so lost and alone and hopeless and he hadn’t been paying attention to what he’d been doing. But…why wasn’t he freaking out? He realized with sad resignation that he didn’t really care. He didn’t care that he’d just done that, and maybe that should worry him but he didn’t care that he didn’t care, either.

At least he was finally feeling sleepy; the pills and the alcohol mixing together were making him calm and slightly disoriented. But they weren’t supposed to cause hallucinations, where they? Because he heard his name being called from the living room, and that was definitely Jensen’s voice. Why would Jensen be here?

His feet dragged as he slowly made his way to the door of the bedroom, blinking a few times as if it would cause the mirage in front of him to disappear. It didn’t, though.

“Jens’n?” he tried to say. Was that his voice? “You’re here? Why’re you here?” Jared stared at him in confusion.

“You were really upset, Jay, and you ran out of there so fast. Why’d you leave without me? You know I would’ve come with you.” Jared’s confusion just increased as Jensen spoke. He sounded genuinely concerned, no anger or disgust in his voice, only worry and a hint of fear and…and was that _love_?

“B-but..but you said…” Jared couldn’t really feel his tongue and it was making it hard to talk. He swallowed and tried again. “You said you were done.”

“Yeah…” Jensen said, dropping his voice like Jared was a skittish animal on the edge of a cliff and Jensen was worried one wrong move would send him tumbling over. What Jensen didn’t know was that it was too late; Jared was already in freefall.

“With the lying, the bearding…” Jensen continued, slowly making his way forwards, towards Jared. “God, Jared…it’s tearing you up and I can’t—I  _won’t_  let it hurt you anymore.” Jared’s brain was so enveloped by fog that it was a wonder he was able to comprehend what Jensen was saying, but when he finally managed process everything, his stomach dropped in pure terror. Wrong. _He’d been wrong._ He’d been so fucking wrong, and now…

“No. No,” he said. He could feel tears spilling down his face and he stumbled blindly back into the room, barely making it to the bed before collapsing. Jensen steadied him, arms warm and comforting and _fuck_ , Jared had been _so fucking wrong_. “You said you were done…oh god, Jen. I thought you m-meant with us,” he sobbed, knowing what was about to come, knowing that he was about to break Jensen’s heart.

“ _WHAT?_ ” Jensen cried out in shock. “Oh god, Jared, no! Never! Shit, I would  _never_  leave you. I love you,” he said, his hold on Jared tightening. And oh god, Jared had to tell Jensen before it was too late, except _it was already too late_. He had to tell Jensen anyway. Jared felt his body resisting movements and he knew he was about to pass out. _But he had to tell Jensen._

“Jen, Jensen!” he struggled to say, panic causing his voice to sound shrill. He suddenly realized that he was still gripping the pill bottle, so he swung his arm around, the movement uncoordinated and fumbling. His hand found Jensen’s and he pushed the bottle into Jensen’s palm, praying that Jensen would put two and two together and know what to do, fast enough that maybe Jared wouldn’t…

“I thought—I thought you were…I’m sorry,” Jared whispered so quietly that he wasn’t even sure Jensen could hear him. But he couldn’t…he had to apologize. He had to tell Jensen that he loved him and that it was a mistake and that he didn’t mean to and that he didn’t want this to be happening right now. But he knew deep in his bones that his time was up.

“I’m so sorry,” was all Jared could choke out before his world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway done...
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are love.


	3. If the River Runs Dry, How Do You Feel?

_And when the owls cry in the night_  
_And baby when the pines begin to cry_  
_Oh baby, baby, how do you feel?_  
 _If the river runs dry, baby, how do you feel?_

 

It wasn’t black, because black is still something. It was a void. Nothingness.

Awareness came first, slowly. Awareness that something existed, and that something was him.

Awareness that he was a him, though he wasn’t sure what that meant.

Awareness that he could think, though he didn’t know what a thought was.

It came faster after that, but everything still felt knew, unfamiliar. Strange. He would later imagine it as how a baby felt when being born. Confusion, an influx of knowledge that made no sense, and uncertainty. But mostly confusion.

He drifted in and out, not bothering to push in one direction or another because he didn’t know which way was preferably, if it even mattered at all.

His first sense to return was sound, though there was very little to hear. A quiet _beep beep beep_ , a soft humming, an inhale-exhale that wasn’t coming from him but from right beside him.

Touch was the next to come back, and the first thing he noticed was a warm weight against his side. This seemed to snap him back to reality, and everything else crowded his mind and body at once. He was still disoriented, couldn’t separate details or specifics, but he was coherent enough to realize that there was a body next to him, pressed up against him, and that freaked him out enough to wake him up completely.

His breaths became quick and shallow and his eyelids finally peeled back, allowing him to take in the dark and unfamiliar surroundings. As he struggled to sit up, the weight beside him disappeared and he heard a voice speak.

“Jay! You’re awake, oh thank god!” Jared turned his head, trying to focus on the source of the voice, but he could only see a blur. Questions flooded his mind, each one as urgent as the last. They were disorganized and he wasn’t sure where to start, what to say first, but he managed to grab onto one that made sense.

“Wha—“ his voice cracked from lack of use and he coughed harshly before speaking again. “What is…where am I?”

“Jared? You, uh, don’t remember? You’re in the hospital.” The person beside him reached out to touch him and he flinched away, fear rolling through him. The person froze as he spoke again.

“Who’re you?” he still couldn’t see the person’s face, let alone their expression—still too blurry—but he had the sense that he had somehow hurt the person when he pulled away from them just now.

“It’s me, Jay. Jensen?  Your…um…”

“I don’t…” He blinked his eyes closed, too exhausted and confused to try and make sense of what was happening.

He was about to drift back into blissful unconsciousness when he felt his body being shaken, too rough and insistent to ignore, so he wrenched his eyes open again.

A blur—a different one that had just been talking to him—was crouching by his bed. His eyes were able to focus a little better and a soft but smooth voice began speaking to him, asking him questions that he mostly couldn’t answer, answering any questions that he was lucid enough to ask. The only information that seemed to stick was that his name was Jared, he was in a hospital, and the person who had been in here with him when he first woke up was something called a Jensen, and that Jensen was important and he could trust him.

Jared shrugged and nodded like he was fully grasping the situation, but he just wanted everyone to leave him alone so he could go back to sleep, which he did just a few minutes later.

The void was back, but it wasn’t nearly as peaceful as before. Because now he could feel something there, hidden in the corners and causing a kind of mental itch. Only one word rang clear well after everything else had dissipated.

Jensen.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The second time he woke was nothing like the first time. He could tell that he was still dazed everything was still a bit fuzzy, but he knew who he was. And when he turned his head to the side, he knew the person who was lying there, looking broken and defeated but using his fragile sliver of hope to reach out to Jared. Like, physically reaching out. His hand was hovering just above Jared’s, tentative and fearful of what that one small touch might mean.

Jared lifted his own hand off the bed, brushing his fingers against the callused palm. Because Jared knew what that touch meant. It meant _Hi_ and _I’m here_ and _I know_ and _I’m sorry_ and _I love you_.

It meant everything.

“Jen,” he whispered, barely more than a breath, then watched as his lover broke down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen scrambled up into Jared’s bed, blanketing Jared like his body could protect him from the entire world outside. Jared just wished Jensen could melt into him completely, fusing their cells together so that Jensen could fight away the demons that were on the inside, the ones that did the real damage.

Jensen was sobbing against Jared’s neck, and Jared would have been doing exactly the same if he weren’t already quickly fading again.

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen apologized. _But you didn’t do anything wrong_ , Jared thought sadly.

“Why’re you sorry? Jen, you didn’t do—I mean, ‘s my fault.”

“No! When we were talking, after you and  _Genevieve_ —“ Jensen said the name like it was poisonous, “had a fight, I didn’t realize…god, I had no idea how what I was saying might have sounded. So it’s my fault, Jay. It’s my fault and you should have never felt so…so alone and hopeless that you felt you needed to…” Jensen trailed off but Jared knew what he’d been about to say.

 _That you felt like you needed to kill yourself._ It wasn’t completely accurate—really, his overdose hadn’t been intentional—but Jared didn’t think there was any point in splitting hairs. Besides, there was something infinitely more important that he needed to know before he fell asleep again.

“Jens’n,” he slurred.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Don’t leave me.”

“Never, Jared. I’d rather tear out my own heart.” Jared wanted to cry tears of relief and joy and send up a thank you to all the deities known to man. He wanted to cut his own heart out and give it to Jensen, to show him that he would never doubt Jensen again. He wanted to cling to Jensen and never let him go.

“So dramatic,” he whispered with a small smirk. He felt the gentlest touch of lips to each of his closed eyelids and then his mouth. Jensen was still better than any lullaby.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rest of the time Jared spent in the hospital was fairly uneventful, except for one morning where he nearly passed out in the shower after Jensen gave him an amazing blowjob. And then a few hours later when he had to face his and Jensen’s parents. Jared was terrified of what they would do, what they would say, but when Jared’s father had gotten angry it was Jensen who stepped in and took the heat off Jared. Jared felt like he didn’t deserve it, but as he heard Jensen speak, his words pierced his head and stuck there, refusing to leave, refusing to let Jared fully blame himself, refusing to let Jared beat himself up for everything.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen finally convinced Jared to go to rehab (residential treatment facility, Jensen insisted, but yeah, it was basically rehab) and Jared managed not to bitch too much. Fact was, he knew he needed more help than just Jensen and twice-weekly therapist visits could give him. But when Jensen informed him that he’d rented a house outside of Austin, Jared was really surprised, and a little doubtful.

Until they pulled up to the house. His first thought was that it was beautiful. His second thought crashed in, then, hard and painful. _This is real. This is real. This is really happening. Fuck._

And that’s how Jared found himself pushing Jensen up against the wall of their new bedroom, ravaging his mouth and pleading with Jensen.

“Jen, I need this, please!” Everything was hazy around him, like he was having a dream, and the next thing he knew they were naked on the bed and he was frantically rutting against Jensen, while Jensen looked scared underneath him.

“Jared, babe, you need to calm down!” But Jared couldn’t calm down, why didn’t Jensen get that? Jared needed this, he needed to feel…grounded. And only Jensen could ground him.

“Just, let me…please, Jen!” Jared whimpered right before he lifted up then sunk back down on Jensen’s cock.

There was a flare of pain, but it felt good. Not _pleasure-arousal-sex_ good, but… _I’m here, I’m alive_ good. He needed more, though.

“Jared, what the fuck?!” Jensen’s panicked voice slipped through Jared’s thoughts.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he replied absently. He was breathing hard through the heavy burn, he could feel his chest rising and falling quickly, but it still wasn’t enough, so he began to move, rolling his hips against Jensen’s. The friction inside him from no prep and very little lube—had there been lube? He couldn’t remember—was one of the most agonizing things he’d ever felt. And it was exactly what he needed. He heard himself whimper, a mixture of ache and relief.

“Jay, I’m hurting you! Please get up!” Jensen’s words weren’t really making sense to Jared, so he kissed him hard to keep him from talking. Jared knew he needed the pain from this, but he still wanted _Jensen_ to get pleasure from it like he was supposed to. And when Jensen moaned, Jared sighed, relieved that Jensen was enjoying this.

Jensen dropped his head back onto the pillow, his eyes rolling back in pleasure. His hand reached for Jared’s cock but Jared slapped it away, not wanting Jensen to see that it was completely limp, not wanting Jensen to realize that Jared didn’t want to feel good from this.

Jared felt Jensen orgasm a few minutes later, and it was like the come filling him snapped him out of his frantic state. He slumped over Jensen, tears pooling in his eyes as he realized what had just happened, what he had just done. The tears flowed silently, sliding over his cheeks and landing on Jensen’s chest.

“Baby? Oh, god, what’d you…” Jensen said softly. Jared felt his hair being stroked but he couldn’t look at his partner, not after…that. “Hey, can you get up? I need to check—Jay, I need to make sure you’re not hurt.”

Jared cringed internally, not knowing exactly what Jensen would find but absolutely certain that it wouldn’t be anything good. “I’m fine,” he tried to say clearly, but it came out jumbled and quiet. His body moved, though, without him telling it to. He didn’t want Jensen to see this, to see what he’d done to himself, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from rolling to the side, making sure to face away from his partner. A minute later, Jensen asked him to turn onto his stomach, and once again as if Jared’s brain had no control over his body, he did exactly that.

“Shit, Jay.” Jared could hear Jensen breathing hard, which wasn’t a good sign. His theory was confirmed when he felt a cloth, wet and warm, press softly against his skin down there and he immediately flinched in pain. He heard Jensen sigh. “How much does it hurt?”

“Only a little.” Jared felt like it was only a half-lie: it hurt like hell right now, but just five minutes ago all that pain had felt good. Well, not good. Necessary. Satisfying. So that averaged out to ‘only a little’, right?

“You wanna try that again with the truth?”

“Really, it’s only a little sore,” Jared insisted even while knowing that Jensen could see right through the blatant lie. Hell, the physical evidence was _right there._

“Jay, you’re bleeding!” Fuck. Okay, maybe Jared hadn’t expected that, but…he couldn’t say he was surprised. “Babe, I gotta know if I need to take you to the hospital—“ Jensen said, his voiced straining with fear.

“What?! No! No, Jensen. It hurts, okay?” Jared admitted, then quickly added, “It hurts but that’s it. It doesn’t feel like somebody ra—“  _Fuck_. Why they hell had he almost said that? Why did his brain even go there in the first place? He knew immediately he’d made a huge mistake when he heard the change in Jensen’s tone. When he heard what Jensen choked out next.

“You…” Jensen swallowed thickly. “You feel like I ra—raped you?” His voice broke on the last two words, and it made Jared turn over to face him.

“NO! God, no, Jen. I said it hurt but not like  _that_.” Jared assured him desperately, but he knew it was too late.

“Okay but the fact that you even compared it to  _that_ …oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Jensen said, and Jared watched him rush to the bathroom and collapse on the floor, gripping the toilet and heaving into it. Jared got up slowly, the motion pulling into clarity just how much he really was hurting down there, but he would have to deal with that later. Right now, Jensen needed him…if Jensen was even able to look at him after what he did, what he said. Fuck.

Jared pulled on some boxers and carefully made his way towards the bathroom. He bent down behind Jensen, and fuck if that didn’t hurt like a bitch, but he pushed the feeling away—that pain was what he’d wanted anyways, right?—to reach his hand out to Jensen’s back, smoothing it up and down his spine.

“Jen, forget I said that, please? I was just…I dunno, I was freaking out and it felt like the only thing that would anchor me down was—was having sex with you.”

“And you couldn’t have taken five extra minutes to let me get you ready so that I didn’t make you bleed?” Jensen was definitely pissed.

“Not really,” Jared said honestly. “Jen, I’ll be fine. Look,” he appeased, “if I’m still bleed—um, if it’s still bad tomorrow, I’ll let you take me to the doctor. But please, don’t be mad at me!”

“Mad at  _you_? Jared, I’m mad at  _me_!” Wait, what the fuck? Why would Jensen be mad at himself? “I mean…shit, what do I do?”

“Just give me some time and it’ll heal—“ Jared tried to reason before Jensen interrupted.

“Jared, I don’t mean about what just happened! I’m talking about  _everything_! Everything that’s happened in the last week, the last few months; hell, everything that’s happened over the course of our relationship! Tell me how to make it all better!” God, Jensen was breaking Jared’s heart. How could Jensen care so much about him? He didn’t understand that; what he _did_ understand was that his own pain was obviously causing Jensen pain as well, and Jared refused to let that happen any longer.

“Just give me some time,” he repeated softly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Things moved quickly during the next week: Jared finally revealed the phone calls he’d been getting from Genevieve for the last few months, which had been a major source of all his stress; Jensen told Jared that while he was in the hospital Genevieve had finally signed the divorce papers; and then, before he knew it, Jensen was driving him to his first day at rehab.

Jared didn’t say much while he was there, and he said even less when Jensen picked him up to go home.

“Hey, Jare?” Jensen asked while they were eating dinner.

“Hmm?” Jared said, distracted by his pasta.

“I’m sure with all the talking and thinking you have to do at the place now, you probably don’t want to do it when you come home too. So I’ll give you as much space as you need. But I still want you to know that I’m here. Anytime you want to talk I want to listen, okay?”

Jared agreed with a nod, but the rest of the night neither of them said one word.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As the weeks went by, Jared found himself adjusting to the intensive amounts of therapy much better than he’d expected, and slowly he began sharing more with Jensen. But they weren’t long, sit-down serious talks; they were just little comments here and there, thrown casually into everyday conversation. Somehow, though, that was better; being able to talk about his issues in that way seemed to take away some of their power, so by the time Jared was told that he’d be starting family therapy groups, he was only a little nervous about asking Jensen to come.

He shouldn’t have been, of course, because Jensen was thrilled at the idea of Jared wanting to share this with him so completely, and Jensen’s presence was a comforting reassurance that yes, Jensen was here for Jared. Through _everything._

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The first time that Jared was startled awake in the middle of the night by Jensen rushing breathlessly out of the room, he was almost too confused to react. _Almost_. Seconds later, he was up out of the bed and rushing silently across the floors after Jensen, stopping at the closed bathroom door. He tried to turn the knob but it was locked, and the sound of heavy gasping coming from the other side made him panic a little, rattling the knob and knocking on the door. (Not too loud, though; he didn’t know what was going on but it didn’t seem like pounding the door down would be the smartest course of action.) He had no qualms about begging, though.

“Jen? You okay?” No reply. “Jen! Can you let me in?” More silence. “Jen! Open the door!” Jared was in full-blown panic mode now, and he had a moment to think about how embarrassing this would be if Jensen just needed to take a really smelly dump and didn’t want to do it in the bathroom attached to their bedroom.

But Jared knew. He knew that whatever was happening with Jensen was a lot more serious than that.

“Minute!” Jensen finally called out and…fuck, was that his voice? It sounded like he’d been gargling with salt water and shards of glass.

Jared wasn’t sure how long it would take Jensen to open the door—if he would at all—so he decided to take matters into his own hands, stepping away to find a paperclip before returning to closed door. The lock was one of those simple push-in ones, with a small hole on the outside part of the knob where Jared could push the end of the paperclip in and easily push the lock out to unlock it.

Easy enough to do; no so easy was the sight he tried to take in when the door swung open. Jared immediately dropped down next to Jensen, who was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his shaking hands gripping his face tightly.

“Christ, Jen, are you okay?” Jared asked, his hands soft as he brushed them over Jensen’s arms and shoulders and neck and face and head and anywhere he could reach, trying to catalog every inch and make sure Jensen was, at least physically speaking, uninjured.

“Just…think I ate something bad,” Jensen croaked.

Lie.

“Well, I ate what you ate and I feel okay…” Jared said slowly, cautiously, testing Jensen’s lie.

“We didn’t eat lunch together,” Jensen replied. He was sticking with the lie, and Jared knew he wasn’t going to get the truth out of him tonight, not like this, kneeling on the cold tile floor at fuck-knows what ungodly hour.

“You need to stay in here a little longer?”

“I think I’m okay now.”

“Okay. Can you come back to bed?” Jensen nodded and they made their way back to the room, Jared guiding Jensen onto the edge of the mattress before asking, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Jensen’s fingers trailed lightly over Jared’s skin as he replied, “I’m sure.”

No. Jared didn’t know what had happened, but he was sure of one thing: this was definitely not good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Tell me…” Jared panted against Jensen’s neck, “why we haven’t had sex in almost a month?” Jared had a nearly-naked, fresh-from-the-shower, and oh-so-sinful Jensen pushed up against their bedroom wall; he’d been so focused on getting situated in the treatment facility that it had taken him nearly a month (a month!) to realize…he and Jensen weren’t having sex. And Jared decided that he needed to fix that _right now._

“I dunno,” Jensen whispered in reply.

“Well, we should change that.” His fingers trailed down Jensen’s chest, meeting the edge of the towel wrapped around his waist. He tugged on it but Jensen held on to it. Tight. What the hell?

“Just, let me…please, Jen,” Jared said, tugging at Jensen’s fist again to get him to drop the towel, his arousal making him maybe a little stupid and pushy. But damn, he was horny, and Jensen looked so good standing there, water droplets from the shower still sprinkled across his skin like iridescent freckles. “I want you to fuck me.” 

Jensen looked like a walking wet dream (and was a walking wet dream, at least to Jared) was…was…freaking out?

“No! Don’t, don’t…” Jared got shoved back and Jensen stumbled away from him towards the bathroom, but Jared intercepted him before he could reach it.

“Jen?” he asked softly, his arousal snuffed out the moment he saw the raw panic in Jensen’s eyes.

“Don’t want…I’ll hurt you,” Jensen wheezed. His back hit the wall and he slid down to the floor.

“What the—Jen, what’re you talking about? You’re not gonna hurt me!” Serious, what the hell? Jared knelt down beside his partner, reaching his hand out in comfort but pulling back quickly when he saw Jensen flinch.

“I hurt you!”

Shit. _Shit._

Understanding finally flooded Jared’s mind, and this time he was the one trying to tamper down his panic, not wanting to set Jensen off even more. He took a deep breath, gathering together his composure and the words that would assure Jensen that…well, it was complicated, but Jensen was acting like it was somehow his fault, and that wasn’t right, _at all_. It was _Jared’s_ fault, his idiotic mistake, one that he’d completely forgotten about but apparently Jensen hadn’t.

Apparently Jensen hadn’t, because here he was, naked except for a measly towel, collapsed in fear on the floor of their bedroom, _not breathing._

“Jensen, you need to breathe!” Jensen’s mouth opened in response but no words came out, and the surprise in his expression would have been pretty funny if it weren’t for the fact that _he wasn’t breathing._

“Hey! Hey hey hey, no, stay with me!” Jared begged as Jensen’s eyes closed and his head fell back against the wall. “Jensen!”

 _Fuck,_ Jared thought, as he gathered his unconscious partner in his arms. _Fuck,_ he thought, as he stood, dragging Jensen up with him. _Fuck!_ he thought, as he managed to get Jensen over and onto the bed. _FUCK!_ he thought, as he arranged his partner’s limbs into a hopefully more comfortable position. _Oh, god,_ he thought sadly, as he watched Jensen’s chest moving up and down, finally able to breath freely now that his mind—his memories—weren’t drowning him with terror. Memories that Jared had put there.

This was his fault.

His sob came out of nowhere, the sound surprising him in the eerily quiet room. _This was all his fault._ How was he supposed to fix this? Jensen was usually the one with answers to stuff like this. Jared would’ve thought that all that therapy he’d been exposed to lately would have made him better prepared for…for what just happened. But…nothing and no one could have prepared him for that. If he had been told hours earlier that he was about to witness Jensen having a pan…p-panic attack, his mind stuttered uncomfortably over the words…well, he would have laughed in disbelief.

Yet, here they were.

Jared sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, close to but not touching Jensen. He wanted to get up and get some water or go to the bathroom or pace around or walk outside and scream until his throat bled—really, he wasn’t picky—but he didn’t know how long Jensen would be out of it and he really didn’t want him waking up alone.

So he sat stiffly on the bed, keeping constant vigil over the beautiful (even when unconscious and emotionally ravaged) man who somehow still allowed Jared’s sorry ass into bed with him each night.

Well…not…yeah, Jared didn’t want to think about _ass_ and _bed_ and _Jensen_ together right now, because that’s what had gotten them here in the first place.

Jensen started stirring about ten minutes later, and Jared leaned over him, wanting his face to be the first thing Jensen saw when he woke up. He hesitated when he realized that might not actually a good idea, but it was too late; big, green, slightly-clouded eyes were open and gazing at him in mild confusion. Well, Jared would take confusion over fear any day, so he pressed on.

“Jen? You with me?” Jensen just stared, finally blinking once, almost comically. It was so cute, and Jensen looked so small and needy that it made Jared’s heart seize up with love.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked, momentarily forgetting that him kissing Jensen was what had started this whole mess tonight. But before he could take it back and apologize, Jensen was nodding, his expression still containing traces of confusion but also now showing relief and peace. So Jared leaned down farther, just far enough to brush his lips against Jensen’s.

“What happened?” Jensen’s voice was shot, and Jared dropped his head in shame.

“I, um,” he coughed, stalling what he knew was the inevitable. Jensen had the right to know. “I came in here after you got out of the shower and I wanted us to, uh,” he stammered, gesturing between them and to the bed, “have sex. And you freaked. I didn’t know why at first but then I understood, and…oh  _god_ , Jensen, I’m so sorry!” Tears stung his eyes as Jensen looked on in disbelief.

“What?” Jensen asked again, confusion still evident.

 _Wait, what?_ Jared thought. So it wasn’t that Jensen didn’t remember what had happened, it was that…he didn’t know why? Oh, fuck, that was so not good. Jared sat back with a sigh, mentally preparing himself to force Jensen to acknowledge what had happened _and_ _why_ —because Jensen needed to acknowledge it, Jared knew that at least—and then…well, then he’d have to watch as he drudged up the memories of that night; he’d have to watch as the emotional pain of that night flitted across Jensen’s beautiful face; he’d have to watch that same face fall in disappointment and regret.

He’d have to watch as he broke Jensen’s heart all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter to go! Thanks for sticking with me.
> 
> Comments and kudos are <3


	4. Through the Roads of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this fic has a been a ridiculous labor of love (emphasis on the labor). But it's finally finished and I'm so happy with everything, _especially_ the ending. It turned out so much better than I hoped it would.
> 
> Also, you may or may not have seen my announcement from earlier today but I started writing a prequel for this series (I know, I know) and I'll be posting the first chapter...TOMORROW!
> 
> I'll still continue working on the second sequel (which includes the Js filming the movie) but the prequel will be published first. If you want more info on it, go [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10692573/chapters/24309636).
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read this and left kudos and comments. I love you all and I hope you stick around for the next two stories as well.
> 
> PS-I posted a WIP wincest fic that I've been working on for NO JOKE four years now. It's called [Death Gives a Holiday](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10911816/chapters/24262854). You should maybe definitely go check it out right now :)))
> 
> And once again, I love each and every one of you. I probably wouldn't be writing this if there was no one out there who wanted to read it, so thank you so so much.
> 
> -Anna

_Ooh yeah, brave I endure_  
_Ooh yeah, strong shields and lore_  
_And they can't hold the wrath of those who walk_  
_An' the boots of those who march_  
_Baby, through the roads of time so long ago_

 

Jensen’s panic attack had set Jared back on his heels, so needless to say when just a few days later Jensen came at him with a deck of cards in his hands and hunger for sex in his eyes, Jared was surprised.

Turned out, maybe Jensen wasn’t having an issue with _sex_ , just with Jared being the bottom. Because taking Jensen outside and up against the sliding glass door sure as hell didn’t feel like they any _issues_.

Jared decided not to bring it up, though, decided that he would let Jensen take the reins for now. Jensen would let him know when he was ready again, and for the interim…well, it wasn't like Jared didn’t enjoy the feel of pushing into Jensen’s tight (so fucking tight), hot hole every night.

So Jared ignored any nagging worries he maybe had. He ignored them until he couldn’t remember them. He ignored them until they came roaring back into his life, punching and kicking him in the metaphorical gut. He ignored them until he couldn’t any longer, because Jensen was laid out on a hospital bed. Unconscious. The memory of his (very public) panic attack repeating on a loop in Jared’s mind.

Then finding out that this hadn’t been a one-time thing, that Jensen had been having panic attacks almost every night since they moved into the ranch house…the realization of that omission had stung. And Jared didn’t understand…how could Jensen not have talked to him, told him? If anyone could understand, wouldn’t it have been _Jared_?

Finding out that Jensen had PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder, because of what Jared had done. No, not the sex thing—though that certainly hadn’t helped matters—but the…the pill thing. Jensen had PTSD from _literally_ watching his best friend, his partner, the love of his life, try to kill himself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They got home from the hospital and they had A Talk, and Jared silently begged Jensen to tell him, show him, _something_. He wondered vaguely if this was how Jensen always felt whenever Jared was struggling. His heart broke a little of the thought of that, of realizing that all those years…maybe Jensen had been in as much pain as Jared had. Different pain, maybe, but still. Did it matter? Pain is pain.

“So I imagine this is kind of hard to talk about?” Jared asked, feeling strange to be on this side of the situation for the first time in his life. Jensen nodded. “Is it because you don’t want to tell me?”

“No, Jay. That’s not…no,” Jensen assured him, and Jared’s body sagged in relief. That was one thing he’d been really worried about, especially after he’d been kicked out of the hospital room when the psychiatrist had come in to speak with Jensen.

“Okay, well how about instead of telling me exactly what’s going on, you start with telling me why you’re having trouble talking about it?” Jared pressed, and it took Jensen a minute or two but he eventually spoke.

“God, Jared, I just feel so…” Jensen looked around, as if the appropriate word would be hanging somewhere in the air.

“Weak?” Jared finally finished for him.

“No! No, of course not, I would never think that!” Jensen was looking at him so earnestly, like he was begging Jared not to believe that. And Jared didn’t; he knew Jensen would never think that about…about him. “I’m just…out of my comfort zone, if that makes any sense?”

It did, actually, after Jared thought about it for a minute. Because no matter how wretched he might feel when he was depressed, hopeless and helpless or just plain tired, those were feelings he had experienced before. They were certainly uncomfortable, unenjoyable, and he wished he could physically rip them from his body, but they were…familiar. So for someone like Jensen, who had never experienced that level of personal emotional distress until now, he understood how hard it was, feeling as though your mind was betraying you in a completely new and foreign way, and not knowing how to stop it or fix it or deal with it. It just served to amplify everything. So yeah. He understood.

“I get it, Jen,” Jared said quietly, and the fact that Jensen looked surprised when Jared said that broke Jared’s heart even more.

Jensen kept talking though, numbly recounting everything he went through when Jared had been in the hospital, unconscious for three days and Jensen not knowing if he would ever wake up. Not knowing if Jared would…die. Jensen explaining why he hadn’t told Jared about the panic attacks—that he was waiting for a reason behind them, because if he had a reason then he could find a solution.

That confusion and frustration, that was something Jared understood completely. He had to make sure that Jensen knew he wasn’t alone in all of this. He had to make sure that Jensen…well, Jared didn’t know what to do. He was at a loss, so he said the only thing that he knew to be utterly and irrefutably true.

“Jen, the thing about mental illness,” he said quietly, “is that it doesn’t usually make sense.” Jensen buried his face in Jared’s shirt, using it to soak up some of his tears. “I’m sorry, baby,” Jared whispered, gently rocked them back and forth. “I’m so sorry.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Life started to smooth out after that; Jared finished his time at rehab and Jensen started going to therapy. (When he insisted that Jared come with him, even to his first meeting, Jared couldn’t deny that a little thrill ran through him, knowing that Jensen trusted him that much and needed him that much.)

They decided to rent out the ranch property for another six months, agreeing that it didn’t seem like the best idea to try to move back to Austin, back to one of their homes, back to the real world, while everything else still felt a little too fragile, a little too precarious.

Then they got a call from Bob Singer, and San Diego ComicCon was officially a go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“And now, we have a very special surprise for you…” Rob’s voice was bright and clear through the speakers, even though Jared and Jensen were huddled backstage behind the curtain. Jared could already hear the audience getting louder, the fans growing wild with anticipation, with hope that the two stars of Supernatural were actually there. “The two men who redefined character chemistry, literal bromance, and that there’s no such thing as too much plaid…Mr. Jared Padalecki and Mr. Jensen Ackles!”

Jared kissed Jensen, short and sweet, before tangling his fingers in Jensen’s and leading him up the stairs. He regretfully let go of Jensen’s hand right before they stepped out from behind the curtain, but the audience was completely freaking out, the noise was deafening, and seeing all those happy fans almost made letting go of Jensen’s hand worth it. Almost.

The panel was so much fun that it kept Jared from focusing too hard on the fact that it was most likely the last time he would ever be there, sitting with the same cast and directors and looking out at all their fans, still as enthusiastic as they were an hour ago. The sweet definitely outweighed the bitter, but as they stood to give their last waves, Jared’s stomach lurched in sadness.

He automatically wrapped his arm around Jensen for comfort; Jensen’s gaze up at him settled his nerves that were raw from so many emotions. And then Jensen was suddenly at eye-level with Jared, like he had raised up onto his toes, and Jared had only a split second to blink in confusion before Jensen was kissing him.

His lips were warm and soft, and the gentle touch melted his heart a little. Kissing Jensen always…

Holy shit. He was kissing Jensen. _He was kissing Jensen!_ In front of hundreds of fans and probably just as many cameras.

“Oh my fucking god!” someone screamed out in excitement, breaking the dead silence that had fallen over the entire hall. Jensen jerked away from Jared as if he hadn’t realized what he was doing, where they were, until just now. Jared could see the panic in his eyes so he reached up without thinking, pressing his palm to Jensen’s cheek to calm him, to ground him.

“It’s okay, Jen,” he whispered, then leaned in to press another kiss to Jensen’s lips, this one full of intention. It felt like a big _fuck you_ to every single network exec and bearding enthusiast that they had encountered over the last fourteen years, but even better…it felt like a love note to Jensen that Jared could finally make public, could finally let their extended family—the Supernatural family—read aloud to their hearts’ content.

“So, um…I guess we’re out now,” Jensen said shyly after pulling back from the kiss. Jared just grinned.

“Good,” he said, and he showed Jensen that he meant it by pulling him into a third kiss. Jared let the taste of Jensen linger in a way that he never had been able to before. Jensen pulled back slowly, then bent down towards the mic to address the crowd.

“Thanks for the amazing panel, you guys. Jared and I will be at Nerd HQ in just a few hours. We love you so much!” He didn’t comment on what had just happened; he didn’t need to. Jared figured the kisses he and Jensen had just shared were a better explanation than any words they could have spoken.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Apparently, today was the day that the universe decided to set everything back into alignment. They had come out—unexpectedly, sure, and in front of the entire world to boot, but still, _they were finally out_ ; when they got back to the hotel, they had some of the hottest sex ever, and Jensen topped for the first time in months, and as good as Jared felt being underneath him, it didn’t hold a candle to the knowledge that Jensen was finally moving past one of the major things that had caused him so much emotional anguish lately.

And then…

“Will you marry me?”

Finally, everything locked back into place.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The jewelry store twinkled like stars in the sky as they walked through the doors to meet the man waiting for them in front of the counter.

“Mr. Padalecki, Mr. Ackles,” he greeted them with a handshake and a genuine smile.

“Please, Jared and Jensen,” Jared insisted, and the man’s smile brightened.

“Nice to meet you both. I’m Antonio, and I’ll be helping you with whatever you need this evening.” He clasped his hands in front of them and looked at them expectantly.

“Well…” Jensen started. “We kind of already know what we want.”

Antonio nodded knowingly. “I figured you would,” he said gently. “I took the liberty to pull out a few displays that I thought you might be interested, but feel free to look around and let me know if you want to see something else.”

Jared’s eyes followed Antonio as he moved back behind the counter; his gaze fell on a flat expanse of black velvet, upon which were perched an array of metal bands. Jared glided forward, eyes glued to the rings. He still couldn’t believe this was happening; it felt like a dream.

Jensen’s hand wrapped around his and squeezed softly, bringing Jared out of his head. No, this was _real_ , and it was better than any dream Jared could have ever imagined.

“We probably want something platinum,” Jensen started, and Jared nodded dreamily in agreement. “Simple, but not plain…if that makes sense,” Jensen added. Jared’s eyes hadn’t left the spread laid before him, but there was one ring in particular that he couldn’t keep his gaze off of.

“Here are a few—“ Antonio started to say, but Jared cut him off.

“This one,” he whispered, reaching out to gingerly pick up the ring. “This one is perfect.” He looked at Jensen and then Antonio, finally breaking out of his haze.

“Sorry, for…I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” Jared apologized. “It’s just…” He turned to Jensen and silently dropped down onto one knee, holding the ring out in front of him.

“I know you proposed to me already,” Jared said quietly; Jensen’s green eyes were latched onto Jared, flicking from his eyes to the ring to his bended knee then back up again. “But, I want to do it properly. I love you, Jensen Ross Ackles. Will you marry me?”

Jensen dropped down beside Jared, pulling him into his arms and kissing him fiercely.

“Yes, Jared. Of course.” Jared beamed, then looked around and let out a laugh.

“Was that too cheesy?”

“No,” Jensen replied, standing back up and pulling Jared with him, “it was just cheesy enough.” Jared kissed Jensen again to distract him while he slipped the ring onto Jensen’s finger. Jensen pulled back in surprise.

“It fits perfectly,” he laughed. “What are the chances?” He took a minute to study the ring before sliding it off his finger and handing it to Antonio, who had been looking on in silent fondness.

“Jared’s right, this one is perfect,” Jensen said. “But I think we’ll want them engraved.” Antonio took the ring and stepped up to the computer. He gathered their information then measured their fingers for ring sizes.

“Now, did you want the engraving on the inside or outside?” he asked after a minute of furious typing.

“Inside,” Jared replied and Jensen nodded.

“Okay, and what would you like the inscription to say?” Jared turned to face towards Jensen, who mirrored his movements. They looked at each other but remained silent; after a minute, they turned back to Antonio at the exact same moment.

“Do you always do that?” Antonio asked.

“What?” Jared and Jensen said at the same time.

“ _That_.”

“Oh. Yeah,” they said again together. Jared shrugged and gave Antonio a smile while Jensen grabbed a pen and piece of paper from the counter and scribbled down what was to be engraved on their wedding rings; Jared didn’t have to read it to know what it said.

_Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same._

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jared ran his hand over the paper, using his fingers to trace out in near-reverence the black lettering spelling out Supernatural: The Movie. He stilled, just staring at the title and his and Jensen’s names typed neatly underneath before flipping open to the first page of the script that had been delivered to them the day before. His fingers were shaking with excitement but his voice was steady when he addressed Jensen.

“So, Jen…shall we run some lines?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“We should have a barbeque,” Jensen said out of nowhere. They were sitting on a swing in their backyard, the clinging, end-of-summer Texas heat finally starting to lift.

“Jen, I know we agreed on a smaller wedding but I really don’t want it to be backyard-barbeque small.”

“No, you loon,” Jensen said, swatting Jared lightly on the arm. “God, you really think I’d want to have a backyard barbeque for our wedding? Babe, have you _met_ me?” Jared just chuckled as Jensen huffed in fake annoyance.

“I wanna have a get-together with our family and friends. Obviously they know we’re out—“

“Who doesn’t?” Jared joked.

“There’s probably someone shipwrecked on a deserted island somewhere who hasn’t heard the news yet,” Jensen replied with a wink. “Anyways, that’s not why. I want to make an announcement, about the movie and us being engaged. I want them to know before the public finds out.”

Jared turned to Jensen and pressed a smacking kiss on his lips. “I think that’s a terrific idea. And you know…Mac and Megan were seriously freaking out when they called us after seeing the photos from ComicCon…we should totally figure out a way to mess with them.”

“What, make them think we broke up?” Jensen asked hesitantly.

“No! No way. They wouldn’t believe that anyway. We should make them think we eloped.”

“Jay, your mama would skin me alive if she thought I took away her chance at throwing us a wedding. You _know_ she’s been secretly planning it for, like, _years_.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen the book. Well, _books_ now. She ran out of room in the first binder,” Jared said somberly. Jensen snorted.

“Well, we’ll think of something.” Minutes passed as they sat in companionable silence. Eventually, Jensen turned to look at him, a sly smirk on his face.

“So…I found this link open on your laptop the other day,” he said nonchalantly as he pulled out his phone and turned it to show Jared the screen. Jared blushed deeply when he realized what he was looking at: it was fan fic about him and Jensen that’d he’d been reading two days before.

“Give me that!” he said, snatching the phone away from Jensen.

“Dude, you can’t exactly delete it!”

“Shuddup,” Jared muttered, handing the phone back. “I can’t believe you were snooping through my computer.”

“Please, like you aren’t on mine all the time,” Jensen retorted. “It’s not my fault I’m better at deleting my browsing history than you are,” he said smugly, a wicked grin on his face. “And I was thinking…”

“Yeah…?” Jared asked, excitement pooling low in his belly.

“We could go act out a few of those scenes. You know, if you want to,” Jensen said with a shrug, but he couldn’t hide the lust in his eyes. Jared launched himself at Jensen and they tumbled to the ground, rolling around on the grass. Jared was thankful that it was late enough in the season that chiggers weren’t an issue anymore, because he had absolutely no intention of leaving the ground until Jensen had fucked him into it, and they both knew from prior experience that getting chigger bites in certain places was _really_ uncomfortable.

“Shhh!” Jensen shushed as Jared started to moan loudly as more and more clothes were removed. “Dude, we’re outside! I know our backyard is big, but somebody could hear us and…”

“And what, Jen?”

“I dunno,” Jensen said with a blush. “Take pictures or videos or something.”

“So?” Jared asked.

“So? _So?_ Jay, I _really_ don’t want a sex tape of us being leaked to the public! To our _fans_!”

“Please, they would eat that shit up,” Jared said with a grin.

“Still…wait, are you just acting like this because you know I’m paranoid about it?”

“What? No!” Jared said. Jensen’s sputtering turned into a moan as Jared pinned him down, scraping his teeth across Jensen’s beard-covered jaw, down his neck, and across his collarbones.

“I just figured it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, if a tape _does_ get out there, we can always sue for royalties.”

“Jared!”

“Hey…think Eric’ll finally get the go-ahead to make Wincest canon now?”

“ _Jared!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the ride.  
> ❤❤❤


End file.
